A Letter to My Niece

Dear Clarke,

You were supposed to be born this month, but I guess the universe had other plans. You were already 7 months in your momma's belly, and we just knew that you would be our pride and joy for September, the most difficult month of the year. I suppose it's unfair for me to expect that out of you, even before you were born.

I was really excited. You coming in to our lives was what the family needed or so I thought. Our family is going through it with your grandma's, my mom's, death and my dad moving on with another partner. You were supposed to be the distraction for all of this. You were supposed to be in my arms and we were supposed to have a bomb ass aunt-niece relationship so that I can prove to my siblings that I am a great aunt. (Why I need to prove to them is another thing I'm still unpacking.)

I haven't yet fully grieved you. I have never experienced losing a baby. I don't even really know how to navigate this. My therapist told me to write you a letter to try and acknowledge all of my feelings. Losing my mother is so different than losing you. I spent 31 years getting to know my mother before she passed so we had all these memories together, but with you, it's different. I never even got to meet you. My therapist said that your loss symbolized loss of hope, which hits so differently but still the same pain.

I wonder how you and I would have interacted. I don't have a relationship with my other niece, so I was really looking forward to having a close one with you. I just know that I would have loved on you so hard. We would have shared so many laughs, and I would have hugged on you and kissed on you and showed up for you in every way that I can. This loss of hope, the what could have been...I don't really know what to do with it.

I just know that I think about you every day. I think about how I would respond if you would have been my own baby, in my own belly. I think about how you would've looked, if you got your dad's big ears or your mom's curly hair. I think about whether or not you would have loved sports as much as your parents do. (And I'm chuckling at the thought of you being so tall yet no interest in sports. Can you imagine if you were a reader like me?! You and I would've traveled all around checking out libraries!) I also like to think that you're with my mom now and that you two bring each other joy.

Your parents are incredible by the way; you would have loved them. They love so hard, and they were so excited about you. With you being gone, their love for each other only got deeper. They're able to talk about you and share their experience rather than bottling it up and being angry at the world. Cause I think that's how I would have responded: lots of anger and sadness. I'm at awe with your parents and how they're grieving and memorializing you.

You may not be here physically with us, but just know that you are loved so much here. Give Mama a big hug for me.

Tita Toni Rose