No need to repeat

Talk therapy really is useful for awareness and recognition. The beauty of this is that this doesn't have to be done with an actual therapist; it can be done in a support group led by community or even 1-1 conversations with loved ones. In this case, it was a conversation with my brother-in-law whom I absolutely adore.

We were at the laundromat, a place that I've grown to be fond of. I find laundry to be one of the most therapeutic things. Maybe it's because growing up, laundry was one of my main chores to do for a big family. I love every part of doing laundry, including the folding and putting clothes away. I think maybe it's the one space where nobody bothered me and I could be in peace. If you grew up with a big family, you know how lacking peaceful moments are.

Anyway, Tory and I got to talking about our past, specifically people - both romantic and platonic - in my life. He made me realize that I actually don't like to look back. Once the situation or person has fizzled out of my life, I have no interest of going back and rekindling anything. Now mind you, when I was in relationships before and I didn't know any better, my partner and I would break up multiple times and get back together. Again, this was probably mostly on me because I'm avoidant. As soon as I don't feel safe, I tend to break things off since "it's easier that way." But when we both know it's the last time we break up and we go our separate ways, it's a done deal for me.

Does that mean I don't forgive? Does that mean I don't allow for others to mess up and still be in my life? Or is this part of the healing journey? To release people who have served their purpose. In my head, there are billions of people so there's no need to keep anyone in my life who aren't really contributing. Right?

The most interesting piece is that this is how it is in so many aspects of my life. I don't like to visit places I've already been in. I don't like to go back to a job that I already had. I don't like to watch a movie or show that I've already watched. I don't want to do an experience again, i.e. snorkeling, wine tasting, bartender school, etc. I don't particularly care to be friends with people I had a falling out with or go on dates with people I've already gone on dates with. One and done. The whole out of sight, out of my mind is pretty useful sometimes.

Is that problematic? I am trying to be better with some things. For example, just because I've gone to Costa Rica already doesn't mean that I shouldn't go again. How I experienced it in my 20s will be different than how I experience it in my 30s or even with a different group of folks.

Interestingly enough, I tend to listen to the same song over and over again, and I'll eat the same thing over and over again and never get tired of it. Is this an ADHD symptom that I'm not aware of or maybe I am aware of it and I just forget that it's an ADHD symptom? My brain is so fascinating.

Anyway, I'm trying to enjoy the whole experiencing things again and this time, I get to experience it as a 36-yr old. Hell, I've moved back to Georgia, which is something I never thought I would do. The universe is challenging me. I suppose the whole facing your past to be better in the present and future is real. Here's to continuing to heal.

P.S. Isn’t my brother-in-law just the cutest?!