Hyper Independence

I’m today years old when I gained a better understanding of how my hyper independence has restricted / limited all the opportunities I could have had. I’ve always been proud at the fact that I didn’t need anyone to provide for myself. I figured things out on my own and I rarely depended on anybody. And lowkey, I feel some regret for never asking for help. I’m sure it has everything to do with my upbringing. My parents would do something for me, and I would have to do something in return. It’s the whole giving me something and then taking it away when I did something that they didn’t like or agree with.

Growing up, I knew how much I hated the whole here you go, actually I’ll take it back cycle so as soon as I can work and make my own money, I did. I paid for my phone bill. I paid for any extracurriculars I wanted and if I wanted to hang out with friends, I had to have my own money. I hustled in high school to pay for whatever I needed to pay for. I didn’t ask for help. I had this belief that if it were meant to be, I will find a way by myself.

Fast forward to me being 34. As I continue to get to know my partner, the more I admire her for always asking for help when she needed it. Honestly, I found it annoying at first because in my head, I was like, can’t you do this by yourself? Aren’t you capable of doing this? Why do you need me and everyone else? Instead of sticking with my annoyance, I observed with humility. How is she so comfortable reaching out for help? I became curious. I love helping people so why do I think that I’m a burden when I ask for help? It saves so much time asking for help rather than me having to figure it out on my own. Having someone else’s perspective is also impactful so why wouldn’t I ask for someone else’s expertise? I’m a lifelong learner, right? So why not ask questions? Why not ask for help when I need it? That way, I can continue getting to know people, expanding my circle, and actually have time to rest.

I’m in Montana watching my niece’s volleyball tournament and I now have a deeper respect for team sports. I don’t know why today is different, but it aligns with my awareness of hyper independence. I’ve always been opposed to team sports for myself because I didn’t want to depend on anyone and I didn’t want anyone to depend on me. Don’t get me wrong; I’ll watch and cheer on team sports and I actually know more than I thought when it comes to sports. Look at me go. But the comradery of team sports never appealed to me before.

And now, it’s like, damn. I’ve allowed my hyper independence to make all the decisions and avoid anything that deals with working with a team. I wasted so much time and energy proving to myself that I don’t need anyone. And with that awareness, did I really fully welcome anyone in my life? I’m getting more and more comfortable asking for help, and my friends, my family, and my colleagues - and my partner being the most consistent one - have showed up every single time. My inner child feels so loved.

I have a lot of catching up to do, and I’m pretty excited about learning and growing.

[Pic: Me trying to fit in in Montana]