Wendy's made me cry

Let's talk about my relationship with food, because it's an interesting one. I like to think that I've gotten so much better at managing my stress, and I have so many different coping mechanisms that I can choose from when shit hits the fan. That statement is true for the most part, and I still have my moments when I lose control. Is that balance?

I don't drink to numb my feelings. I don't have meaningless sex for external validation. I don't get tattoos to feel pain. I don't give my time and energy to folks and experiences that don't bring me joy. I don't victimize myself so I don't have to take accountability for my behavior. (So much growth to celebrate.) But boy do I overeat.

It's been stressful trying to find a house that all three (my sister, my brother-in-law, and myself) can be excited about moving to that also allows four dogs. It's interesting that we can all say we don't really care where we live when in reality, we do. I've been giving space to this stress and also manifesting that we will get a house we can all agree on. Because we all know the universe provides. Well, I thought I was good until I started crying after eating a Biggie Bag and a grilled chicken wrap from Wendy's after running 3 miles.

The universe gave me two signals: I missed the turn to go to Wendy's and I forgot my wallet. No worries, I'll just do a U-turn and pay with my Apple Pay, after googling whether or not Wendy's takes Apple Pay - they do. I also was supposed to only order a grilled chicken wrap - not good, btw - but I wanted to celebrate the fact that I ran 3 miles at night so I ordered a Biggie bag too.

I inhaled all that food in less than 3 seconds (mind you, after eating all the things throughout the day). Then, tears came out of nowhere and I started spiraling. I had so many emotions that I hadn't released and they were all coming out. It all made sense now why my nutritionist tells me every session we've had that my eating habits is something to talk to my therapist about. I think I always knew that I replaced my toxic behaviors with overeating, but this whole episode cemented it.

I felt

• anxious about moving

• frustrated that I'm just now learning about emotional support animals and never knowing that this was a thing until now

• invalidated with my invisible disability and struggling mental health

• furious that my therapist said she doesn't write ESA letters after being with her for 2 years

• fatigued from making so many phone calls to different property management

And you think I would pause and recalibrate. I didn't. The next three days were just as bad with my overeating. This is a perfect example of full self-awareness and no actions changed. Whew.

Grace, TR. Grace. You'll figure it out.