What is this mess?

Why didn't anyone tell me that getting over someone takes so long? You know the whole toxic saying of "Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Well, that worked out really well for me in the past, and I know better than to do that again, but damn, what I would do to continue being toxic and unhealed. I'm kidding, I think.

I love this current version of me: raw and honest and hurting and focusing on myself. AND I also want to be done with the whole getting over whom I thought was easily the love of my life. (I apparently have a lot of those - hopeless romantic here and a pisces so there you go.)

Anyway, it's getting easier every day. There are more days that I go without thinking about this person, and then there are days where I wake up choosing violence and look at old photos and videos first thing in the morning. It's a balance?

I did learn that it's better to say the thing and release it into the universe rather than keeping it all to myself. When something reminds me of this person, I share it aloud, sometimes it's with my best friends and majority of the time, it's with my sister. I've received a lot of grace and patience from my friends and family, and I'm really appreciative of it. The whole no contact has been pretty easy for me  (because I was already in another relationship - duh) until this last relationship. I even stopped blocking people because I was using that to manipulate others rather than honestly protecting my peace. (Progress, see?) So when I feel the urge to text "I miss you" or "I hope you're happy" or "I've been thinking about you", I text my bestie who keeps it real with me by saying "NO." That's all I need to stop fantasizing about the what could have beens. He gets me.

I also learned that when I watch these thoughts go by with love and gentleness instead of avoiding or ignoring them, I don't make myself feel bad for being human. So in a way, I'm also giving myself a lot of grace. It really is wild to go from knowing so many things about a person and making future plans with them to becoming strangers and not knowing what they've been up to. I definitely still remember every single one of my past partners' birthdays, and I can't pretend that it's just a regular schmegular day and that it didn't mean something to me at one point. Whew.

Messy. This whole thing is messy. And I guess that's a reminder of how much life I've lived and I'm currently living. I am alive, and that's a beautiful thing.